2014 year of my roar
Bittersweet, my baby brother would've been 30 this year, he left me 6 years ago. My Nanna would've been 74, she left me 4 years ago. But I stand before you new and changed; I used to say I would kill myself if my Nanna ever left me, it's amazing how codependent we can be. I'm still here so I guess I can live without her. I've lost a whole person, in body weight and matrimony. I've been all over the place with what I want to do with my life and work. Some days I feel like I can conquer the world in a short 24 hours and most days I feel like I'll never make it out of bed. I recently celebrated my one year surgiversary. I had gastric bypass exactly 1 month after my 33rd birthday last year because I was tired of being tired and overweight and sick. I'm thankful for smaller clothes and the great people I'm blessed to encounter that encourage and praise me because when I look in the mirror I still see 245 pounds. The kicker....when I look at my pictures I look sick and too thin. Why do I do this to myself?
Everyday I write my goals, to-do lists and action steps. Every day I usually ignore them all and promise myself I'll get to it tomorrow. Then I come up with new goals, to-do lists and action steps and add them to the pile. Its a vicious cycle, I know. I've had more great ideas then I've actually had completed ideas. I go to work everyday promising myself if I work just a little harder I'll be able to quit and start my own business and live this amazing
freedom lifestyle. I'm starting to feel like that's a pipe dream. With the weight, I've lost my motivation and drive. Who am I kidding it was never really there, I just no longer have the weight to blame.
See my entire life I had scapegoats for my lack of commitment to my life. Worried about my brother being okay because he's always in trouble. I had to take care of my Nanna because who else is going to do it? And if something happens to her I won't live. Truth was I wasn't living anyway. My husband is lazy, he never helps, he doesn't understand me. Truth is I never should have married him to begin with. But it's easier to say he's the loser, than to say I made a bad decision based on someone else's opinion. The biggest problem of all....I'M TOO FAT! Yes I was unhealthy and overweight. But if I tell the truth, I used food as a comfort for all the bullshit I didn't want to deal with. Yes I ate salad, veggies and good foods. I ate them right after I ate my chips, brownies, fast food and soda. Having gastric bypass has changed my life in ways I never could have imagined and the doctor never explained. Not only has it forced me to deal with my weight issues but my soul issues as well.
As I reread this post it seems like I'm complaining but I'm truly not. I am actually grateful for the way God has designed this new life of mines. He removed every thing I was using as a crutch to stay miserable. And yes I've found myself still trying to be miserable because that's whats comfortable for me. If I'm honest I wish I had my Nanna and brother here with me everyday, but the way my excuses are set up....them not being here forces me too step up. I went para-sailing on my 33rd birthday, at 250 pounds, scared to death I was too fat. Guess what? I made it! I had a blast and I knew from that second on I was my problem not my weight. And now because of this new stomach I can't ever use my weight as an excuse because its lost and I ain't looking for it LOL! My kids dad and I have finally come to the conclusion that we just do not get along in relationship but as friends and parents we make one hell of a team. So we leave it there and live happily ever apart.
Its tough taking personal responsibility for me. I always had someone else to do it for me. But this year, 2014, was my year to roar! This year is my year to shine, break barriers, move mountains, walk in tear shit up and leave! And I've done that a little, but I've got a long way to go and I'm not stopping til I get there.
Thanks for reading! Hugs & Kisses! Be Amazing on Purpose!